Mood:
hungryNow Playing: Sizzling bacon
Topic: how sporting!
Hello Darlings -
After two weeks of battling a hideous cold, I am finally ready to rejoin the world and get some blood pumping in this tired body. During the absence of my coach/drill sergeant/slave driver, my *cough* gym attendance *cough* is not an option so I decided to motivate myself at home with an "exercise" dvd: Dancing with Julianne.
Julianne was/is one of the professional dancers on Dancing with the Stars. You didn't know that Miss O is a fan of ballroom dance?! Si, Darlings! I love all types of dance, particularly ballroom. On FB, I recently revealed that I may have been a drag queen in a previous life...how else to explain my love of frippery?
Ballroom dancing is nothing if not laden with frippery (also sequins, false eyelashes, strappy sandals...See: drag queen, also: Cher. Lourdes, I love Cher. She's still got it.)
I slid in the dvd, excited that I was finally going to “work out”on my own. I was sure that after a few weeks following this program, I would be ready to audition for the Rockettes. Julianne appeared on the screen, cheerful, friendly, your best girlfriend, your smokin' hot galpal that you're super jealous of, but she's really nice so you can't hate her. She started with some helpful tips for the Cha-Cha, then explained how to execute a turn in the Paso Doble. Ok, uh-huh, a few false steps and then I was in the zone.
Tangent: the cafe in which I am sitting just started playing, The Look of Love, by ABC. Righteous.
Five minutes into Dancing with Julianne, and I was kicking ass. Up until this point, I had been primarily focused on following Julianne's footwork.
Another Tangent: Now Frankie Goes to Hollywood, Relax. I am obligated to think of Zoolander. Is someone in here going to bring the Blue Steel? If you have not seen Zoolander, it's totally ridiculous, but there are some priceless cameos and a few very hilarious lines.
Julianne continued with the ...
Ok, c'mon, Buddy. I'm trying to write here. Now Duran Duran, A View to a Kill? What, were you born the same year as I was? You just happen to love all these classic songs? I was born in 1985 in case anyone is keeping track.
If he plays A-ha next, then I'm going to make a scene.
Tears for Fears, should have known. F*ck, how can Miss O get work done when you are playing the soundtrack of her teenage years? If I were slightly more paranoid, I might suspect that this was some sort of Big Brother plot trying to keep me from preaching the gospel of O. Usually I can tune out background noise, but you can't put Baby in a corner and you can't tune out '80's music.
As I was saying, I had been busy following her footwork and then I realized the camera was getting up close and personal with...Julianne's thighs. Also her abs. And her hips. I forgot to mention that she was wearing a scrap of lycra that normally I would have found objectionable, but her dancers body is so gorgeous that she was pulling it off. Big time. Also, she is really smiley and cute so it didn't piss me off. Whoever her stylist is deserves a Nobel Prize... or something. I considered getting a bag of chips and sitting down to watch the rest of the “program” like a movie, but I figured that would be counterproductive.
Next came the warm-up with her two back-up dancers. Ok, the cat/cow, neck roll, hip circles. The camera was in extreme close-up. Her lycra outfit was a marvel of engineering. It stretched and flexed with every move but never revealed “too much”. (N.B. do not leave your husband alone with this dvd)
I looked at the clock. Time to turn on the stove. We have an electric stove and it takes a pretty long time to get going and a really inordinate amount of time to boil water. If I started it now, then I could do my workout with Julianne and my bowl of pasta would be ready just in time. Because I was going to really need those carbs after my intense workout. And probably some lean protein. (Carbs? Lean protein? Can you tell that I have no idea what I'm talking about? What I do know is that Honey eats a bowl of pasta bigger than my head after a morning at the gym)
Ok, so while the water is boiling I'll make some sauce. Let's see, what do we have here? Ooh, shallots. And for the lean protein...lardons. They're cut into tiny pieces so that must be lean. And for a healthy vegetable, champignons de Paris. This meal is definitely going to replenish my electrolytes! Maybe I should add some white wine, you know, to help with re-hydration. Is one cup enough?
Well now that I've opened the bottle, I can't just leave it sitting around. I think there's a French law about that. If a bottle has been opened, at least one glass must be consumed. That makes sense, really.
Waters boiling already. Honey usually eats 500 grams of pasta so I should probably just eat 400, you know because he has a faster metabolism. I know I'm forgetting something. Of course, crème fraiche! (If you haven't met crème fraiche, she is sour cream's more delicious full-fat sister.) Honey always cracks a raw egg over his pasta, but I think that might be too much protein for me since I don't want to bulk up. I'm going for “toned”.
What's that noise? Did I leave the TV on? Oh, riiiiight, Julianne. Damn, I missed all the steps, but I can still get in the Cool Down before my pasta is ready.
I think I'm going to go weigh myself. I'm sure I've already lost a couple of kilos. Now where did I leave the wine?
