Mood:  party time!

Darlings, I need your prayers with me for the next few hours.

I am going dancing (nothing unusual there, Miss O loves to bring her A-game to dance floors across the globe)...with my two teenage sisters (now you realize the angst of my situation).  This is the first time we are going clubbing together, though I have surmised from the last two hours of vague references, that they are already experts at getting into establishments without IDs, procuring alcohol without IDs, bringing said alcohol into said establishments...without IDs. All this came as a shock, of course, because I think they still play with dolls. Hello, denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

This is surely karmic payback for all the mischief I got into as a teen: like the time my friends and I tried to sneak out of one of their houses (where we were supposed to be having a sleepover) to go dancing at a club called 3-2-1 (fondly known as 3-2-Scum). We got busted by her parents, and thrown out, and I remember having to call my mom to pick us up from a gas station. I'm sure I concocted some story, but the tarty make-up was a dead give-away.

I'm actually a little apprehensive about this evening's revelries. What if some perv tries to hit on my little sisters? Things could go quickly south tonight, especially since the club we're hitting sells alcohol by the bottle. The older of my sisters informed me that she prefers whiskey, and then confided that the younger one can't really hold her liquor. Lourdes, what have I gotten myself into? By the time you read this, I could be rotting in a Burmese jail. How the hell do parents deal with this? 

Stay tuned for tales from the underground underage club scene.. 

Update: No arrests were made, but a bottle of Bailey's magically appeared from someone's handbag at our first location (a roof-top bar especially good for "chillin'"). Ok, fine, Baileys, tastes delicious, probably low proof. Fine.  When we made it to our ultimate destination, which was a pretty hipster club, a bottle of Finlandia vodka was ordered with a round of Sprites. Finlandia. Vodka. with Sprite.  Lourdes, where did I go wrong? Finlandia!? Lourdes, I feel old.

Posted by Miss O at 9:19 AM EDT

Updated: Wednesday, 3 September 2008 8:52 AM EDT

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Mood:  chillin'

somewhere between ORD and NRT ...

Well, Darlings, it's as good a place to start as any. Where the in the world has Miss O been for the past five (ok, six) months? I'll give you a few guesses:

A. in the witness protection program

B. held hostage by a vegan cult...in Cambridge

C. leaping over continents in a single bound

D. a guest of the Sultan of Brunei

E. training with the Navy Seals

F. trapped under a mountain of shoes 

G. birthing coach for Brangelina

In fact, I have been trying to keep up with the vicissitudes of life on Planet Miss O. (Thank you, Mr. Smith 10th grade English for "vicissitudes")  Comings, goings, entrances, exits, unions, separations, reunions - sometimes it's hard to catch one's breath.

My travel schedule is more "ambitious" than ever. By ambitious, I mean, of course, ridiculous and ill-advised. True, there are times when I find myself wondering why I do it. These moments of reflection typically occur when I am in the interminable security line at Terminal E, Logan. Or dragging my overstuffed bags through the metro in Paris. Or running through Heathrow in four-inch heels. The answer, Darlings, is that there are people to see and places to go. The world is our oyster!

So what has this year's globe-trotting taught me?  The flight attendants on JAL are all Hello Kitty-adorable Shiseido porcelain perfect. The flight attendants on Icelandair all look like Victoria Secret models...even the old ones. The flight attendants on U.S. carriers all look like housewives from Columbus. (This is not a dis of housewives, nor Columbus, simply a journalistic observation.) On British Airways, they serve something called fish pie. It's not as good as it sounds. More booze is served on Qantas flights than...

Speaking of, here comes the beverage cart! Hard to believe, but I don't usually partake while flying...unless there's some good champagne being splashed around a la First Class. Today I may be tempted by a frosty Sapporo or an ice-cold Kirin or both. You know, when in Rome, when on JAL, etc. Ooh, green tea. Good idea, load up on anti-oxidants before getting loaded.

Ok, let's see what's on the headset (No, Miss O does not own a personal high-tech listening device, I believe they're called ipods on your planet, but would be delighted to receive one from a generous benefactor/Swiss banking tycoon.)  Channel 4: James Brown?! Wow, cool. Channel 5: Wham! Fabulous. I have been on a Wham!-fest since seeing George Michael in concert two weeks ago. It was life-changing, people. There was shrieking, jumping up and down, fist-pumping, high-five-ing. It was a three-hour dance party. At one point I was on the verge of tears, at another, I almost peed my pants. I felt like I was on coke. Not that Miss O would ever touch filthy narcotics. At least not since the age of 16. And I never inhaled.

Where was I? Oh yes, George. I am convinced that concert added ten years to my life. Next channel: someone speaking Japanese. Maybe I can make out a few words. Wait. Yes, I'm sure the announcer just said "Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto". I bet you didn't know that Miss O spoke Japanese. Neither did I. Next channel: Beethoven Violin Something. Lovely. And, next: is that Bryn Terfel?! Lourdes, JAL is hip. I haven't even gotten to the Japanese pop station yet.

Uh-oh, here comes Miss Hello Kitty, telling me to stow my tray-table. Ok, Darlings, the seal has been broken. Miss O is back on the airwaves!

Posted by Miss O at 12:01 AM EDT

Updated: Thursday, 14 August 2008 11:22 PM EDT

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Mood:  on fire

Darlings, sometimes even a Glamazon like Miss O has to deal with thrilling household chores like laundry (buh), dishes (double buh), and ironing (there are not enough buhs to capture the depravity of this activity - and isn't this the reason that dry cleaners exist?!).

I used to be "in shirts", and one of my responsibilities was to iron crisp cotton shirts for display. Clearly some karma I had to work off...anyway, it was the most dreaded part of my job until one day I scorched the sleeve of a $300 shirt (by mistake! I would never knowingly endanger a piece of cotton piqué) and I was deemed beyond rehabilitation and relieved of ironing duty.

The time is currently 12:24 am and I am preparing the inventory of my spring collection for an upcoming trunk show. For the second consecutive night, I have spent three plus hours at the God blessed ironing board. By some miracle, I have not burned the house down nor damaged any fabric. And, in fact, I am not as miserable as I thought I would be. If anything, my ironing skills have improved and I am more patient. Perhaps it is because these are my own creations and I actually give a damn. Or perhaps it is because I am in a trance after watching six back-to-back episodes of Law and Order. 

I'd like to thank Detectives Briscoe and Green, Benson and Stabler, and Goran and Eames for their support. And, of course, Lieutenant Van Buren, Captain Cragen, and Mr. McCoy.

Fashion Alert! If you lack the skill (quite frankly, unless they have served in the military*, I haven't met many men who know their way around an ironing board...I'm just saying) or patience to wield an iron, puh-lease send your shirts to pressing. Miss O likes light starch, but that's a personal choice every boy must make for himself. Few things can kill a look like a slovenly, wrinkled shirt. On the flip side, I have actually dated guys because they had a nice crisp collar. Don't judge, Darlings, we all have our weaknesses.

*Speaking of men in the military...when I was in college, there was an adorable guy in ROTC who lived in my dorm. Let me tell you, those cadets know how to put together a snappy outfit. He would shine my shoes like nobody's business! Lest you think that my shoe fetish and Domme tendencies are a recent development, I have documented "episodes" dating back to the age of, conservatively, 14. But oh, those ROTC guys...(insert dreamy expression followed by good lighting and softporn soundtrack). There was one named Tom and another named...damn, what was his name?

Posted by Miss O at 12:01 AM EST

Updated: Saturday, 16 February 2008 9:28 AM EST

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Mood:  bright

Hello Darlings! It's high time that we reconvene the shenanigans at Miss O's. And what better moment than a holiday celebrating...whiskey. Surely, you didn't think Feb 14 was about all that lovey dovey business. Lourdes, non! It's about adult beverages. Who doesn't need a petite cocktail at this very moment?

There are so many misconceptions about this day, I feel it is my duty to set the record straight. First of all, did you know that Valentine was the patron saint of beekeeping? So forget about the flowers and chocolates and love notes, Feb 14th is a day to celebrate with honey. That could be Honey Smacks (love that frog!), Honey mustard, Honey-baked ham, Sweet Honey in the Rock, Honey Ryder. N.B. Do not employ honey in a romantic (i.e. naked) scenario. It is a recipe for disaster, unless, of course, you're hoping for a D-I-Y Brazilian. In which case, best of luck with that. Few relationships can withstand that brand of tough love. 

Sidebar: Boys and girls should be giving each other flowers all the time, not just one day out of the year. The same goes double for chocolate. And triple for love notes.

Where was I? Ah, yes, the saint of beekeeping. I thought I'd bring to light some little known saints that I feel are worthy of their own holiday. Let's start with Saint Severus of Avranches. He is the patron saint of hat makers and silk workers, and if that doesn't earn him major recognition, I'm going to have to talk to the Pope. Another forgotten saint is Jadwiga of Poland, the patron of queens. J'accepte! I was recently at an event where a man said to me, "You're used to being treated like a queen, aren't you?" Yes, you could call it that. I rewarded him with my most regal smile, and extended my hand to be kissed. Really, Darlings, someone has to do it. Saint Honorius of Amiens watches over pastry chefs and florists. I say Hooray!

Saints Gangulphus and Crispin protect shoemakers. Is there anything more noble? Gangulphus was an upstanding guy, a virtuous, got-your-back kinda friend, who ill-advisedly married a slapper who cheated on him with a priest (!)...who then killed him. Seriously, Darlings, we have a duty to celebrate Gangulphus Day - May 11. Even more tragic is Crispin, who fled religious persecution in Rome, only to wind up preaching Christianity to the Gauls and making shoes by night. And, oh yeah, he was beheaded, probably by some bitchy Manolo-wannabe.

For the alcoholic sluts among you, it is worth mentioning that Nicholas of Myra is the patron saint of the 3 P's: pharmacists, prostitutes, and pawnbrokers. Hey, it takes a village.

Hope your Ballantyne's Day is a sweet one. I will be feasting tonight on pancakes and toasting with the most blessed Saint Veuve of Clicquot. Ah, it's good to be the Queen.

Posted by Miss O at 1:50 PM EST

Updated: Thursday, 14 February 2008 2:43 PM EST

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Mood:  crushed out

Where in the world has Miss O been?!

Bonjour et Gutentag Darlings! About six weeks ago, Miss O was a guest of SwissAir - one of the perks being a layover in Zurich where there is a shop called Caviar House. J'accepte! I'm pretty sure there's no Caviar House in say, Philly or Cleveland...the best you're going to do there is, maybe, a Cinnabon. The other perk: they give you chocolate on the plane. And not some rubbish chocolate either. This is the good stuff, pure, uncut.

It's not often that I pass through the country of my birth, but the timing of this visit seemed appropriate. It was the Eve of O (that is, the night before the Day of O. Really, Darlings, I know you've heard of it.) What, you didn't know that Miss O was born in der Schweiz? To be more accurate, I was birthed en Suisse - that is, on the French side. Darlings, a creature like Miss O cannot be hatched just anywhere. Lourdes, non!

Once upon a time, approximately 26 years ago (why are you laughing?), the Mothership and the Notorious D.A.D. found themselves with une Petite O en route. Realizing that her arrival on this planet would have cosmic ramifications, they pondered the audience and location for the 'debut appearance'. The city of Bethlehem was hosting a convention, and there was still no damn room at the Inn. So they chose the next best venue: Geneva. As the executive producer of the event, they selected a man with a proven record of blockbuster hits: the renowned doctor who had delivered Sophia Loren's children. Honestly, Darlings, you can't be surprised.  The Ondine was born and the rest is history...

While perusing the extensive truffle selection at ZRH (that's the airport code for Zürich-Kloten, Lieblings), I reflected on the past year and wondered what new adventures the Universe had in store for me. (I, also, wondered how many kilos of cocoa I could legally transport without violating the Fourth Geneva Convention. Welcome to my world.) Well, Darlings, I could not have imagined the joy and good fortune that was coming my way. Besides being très delinquent in my posting, all is marvelous on Planet Miss O.

Happy New Year to all! Stay tuned for: the Return of Bridezilla, 2007 Review, Nose Patrol, and so many other scintillating entries!

Posted by Miss O at 12:01 AM EST

Updated: Friday, 11 January 2008 1:32 PM EST

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Mood:  amorous

Hi Darlings!   Miss O is on the road again. After a 24-hour cameo in the thrilling metropolis of Phoenix, AZ (more on that later), I am headed back to Paris.

This shot was taken during my layover in Montreal, courtesy of my new favorite airline, Air Canada. Miss O is often zipping around at 35,000 feet, and the Air Canada experience is simply delightful. 

Now that the US dollar is completely worthless, I was forced to consult my travel wallet, essential for any jetsetter. In addition to frequent flyer cards for six different airlines, it is helpful to have cash (pronounced "Kaysh") in multiple currencies. One never knows when one might need a Bahamian dollar, par example. Why six different frequent flyers? Because the best airline that flies to Thailand is not the best airline that flies to Paris is not the best airline that flies to LA, etc.  They're all crooks if you ask me, except Air Canada (and Thai Airways, and Air France. And Singapore Air and Alitalia..) Basically all the US carriers are crap, quelle surprise. What else is in my carry-on? Two continents, two cell phones. Yes, I know there are phones that work all over the world, but not being the most techno-savvy, I  manage with two different phones. Also, sometimes you don't want to be reached when you are in another country...aha, now you see the wisdom of Miss O.

The requisite quart-size ziploc loaded with indispensable "products".   Lourdes knows I loves me some products. I have eye cream, hand cream, day cream, night cream, hydrating this, that, and the other. (PSA: are you using eye cream? first signs of aging appear around the delicate skin of the eyes) Yes, those are gloves at the far right, which I wear after I've applied my hand cream. I do that at home, so why not moisturize and protect my hands on the filthy airplane. Don't worry, I'm not getting all Howard Hughes germaphobe on you.

My flight was on Sunday night, and a big thank you is owed to Jamie, who  texted me the Sox score until the moment of take-off. As difficult as it was to be on a plane during what I knew would be the last game of the World Series, I had to take one for the team. The last time the Sox won it all, I was out of the country, and hence, I was obligated to leave the States again this year, for the good of Red Sox Nation. Speaking of RSN, it is the duty of all of its members to protect it from evil influences, please visit Don't Sign A-Rod and do your part.

Let's go Red Sox!!! 

Look out, Paris, here she comes...

Posted by Miss O at 12:01 AM EDT

Updated: Thursday, 1 November 2007 7:49 PM EDT

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Mood:  happy

Darlings, every day I receive calls from friends asking for advice on a wide-range of topics.  Miss O is an expert in more than a few areas, but my favorite questions are fashion and etiquette related. With close friends, pleasantries are dispensed with and the inquiry is broached without hesitation. None of that: How are you? Fine, and yourself? Lovely. How about those Sox. Say, could I ask you...

This is how Miss O's advice-line works:

Friend of O: Yo

Miss O: Yo, what up?

FoO: I'm going to a cocktail party and have no idea what to wear.

Miss O: What look are you going for?

FoO: Hot, smart, weird.

Miss O: Sleeveless black dress, fitted but not too short. Bring a wrap in case there are leering old men. High heels. Funky jewelry.

Case Closed. Next Caller.

Friend of O: Where can I get a good bra in a larger size?

Miss O: Are you looking for an "occasion bra" or something for everyday?

FoO: Everyday, but not old lady-looking.

Miss O: Go to xxxx (Miss O does not provide 'unpaid' endorsements), ask for Suzie, tell her Miss O sent you.

And, next!

Friend of O: Hey.

Miss O: Hey.

FoO: Where's a good place for brunch in [insert any neighborhood]?

Miss O: Try Resto X and be sure to order the eggs benedict. OR try Resto Y if you really want to impress your date.

FoO: I knew you would know. 

The phone keeps ringing..

Friend of O: I have to go to a schmoozy event. It's a Latin theme, festive-attire suggested. What the fuck do I wear? And, is a necktie obligatory?

Miss O: Do you have a pocket square? a red one?

FoO: Yeah.

Miss O: Good black shirt?

FoO:Uh-huh.

Miss O: Dark suit, black shirt unbuttoned at the neck, no undershirt, red pocket square.

FoO: That is so money!

(N.B. While this look is totally money, it should not be attempted by everyone, especially if you are already feisty and latino...call me if you're unsure) 

Your estimated waiting time is...hello?

Friend of O: Where can I get my watch battery changed?

Miss O: Go to the Russian clock store. Talk to Sergei.

Elevator music... 

Friend of O: I'm going to a Martini party. Do I have to bring gin/vodka or can I bring wine?

Miss O: Martini party?! What time are you picking me up?

Posted by Miss O at 12:01 AM EDT

Updated: Tuesday, 23 October 2007 4:10 PM EDT

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Mood:  crushed out

Darlings, I once had to model in a fashion show where I carried a baby as part of my "look". I think I was supposed to be the young hipster mom. I was dressed in a chic ensemble and just before I took the runway, a live infant was thrust into my arms like some designer bag.  I seem to recall that the tiny creature was dressed in a Halloween costume (possibly as a tomato), which did not help me in identifying its gender. But no matter, I worked the runway hard that day... I was "walking" for two. As you can see, I am a pro with any accessory. Below, some of the blessed creatures I have worked with...

This young man is on the road to a successful modeling career. Just look at that contact with the camera! At barely a year old, he is already a master at showcasing product. This shot practically coos,"Try our hair - it's delicious!"

These two are what we would call lifestyle shots.  The maiden auntie out with her charges. I have guys in their 40's who want me to be their "auntie", but I digress...

Miss O had her first modeling gig as a young lass of 7. It was a lifestyle piece for a catalog. I was hired because I bore a strong resemblance to the model featured in the shoot. She was a gorgeous bi-racial woman named Bernadette who went on to marry Lynn Swann and Sugar Ray Leonard. Maybe you've heard of them? What can I say...even as a petite mademoiselle I liked to roll with the v.i.p's. (Bi-racial? Yes, Miss O was brown as a nut until the age of 12...lots of time spent in Malibu and the Cote d'Azur. My current East Coast pallor is more of a café au lait).

I can still remember the outfit I wore in the shot, quelle surprise. We were modeling sportswear, or, rather, Berna was modeling sportswear, and I was modeling a look called "adorable, well-behaved child" while we jogged over a hill, for what seemed like an eternity.  Eternity sounds like pretty much every shoot I've been on, though that is probably the last time I jogged in public. Lest you think that modeling is always glamorous, I would be delighted to regale you with tales of decidedly unhip gigs like a print ad for fleece hoodies, after which I earned the privilege of saying "I shoot in Nashua". Nashua, New Hampshire, for any of you non-New Englanders, is not known as a hotbed of cutting edge chic. Would I rather be modeling evening gowns and furs in Paris? Absofreakin'lutely! But, Darlings, fleece hoodies pay the rent.  Eternity and jogging notwithstanding, I remember being pretty damn excited that I was excused from school for "a job" at the age of seven and earned my first paycheck. Um, hello, child labor laws?

Ah, yes, the tight beauty shot, used primarily for cosmetics or skin care ads. This one says,"Use our night cream and you can have the babysoft skin of a 3-year-old (unless you are 3-years-old and then you can look two-and-a-half!)" It's all about marketing!

New faces department. I'm often a big hit with babies. I've always assumed it was bosom-related (see: Thai Lion Cub), but I recently learned that when babies' vision is developing, they respond to high-contrast images. Voila! Miss O's high-contrast face...ideal for stimulating visual acuity in infants.

This lad is going to be a heartbreaker like his old man. Right now he's working the strong, silent angle but as soon as he learns to speak, the bookings are going to come rolling in. I predict a Vanity Fair cover, but what do I know? I shoot in Nashua.

Posted by Miss O at 12:01 AM EDT

Updated: Saturday, 20 October 2007 2:21 AM EDT

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Mood:  happy

Darlings, I'm not claiming to be the first person to ever pair a french-cuff shirt with a Red Sox jersey, but Miss O does know how to 'work a look'.

I watched the first ALDS game with one of my favorite pals, JPaul. He of the fantastic cologne, huge guns (as in 'goin' to the gun show' guns), and, as Ace would say, "pound for pound, the best dressed guy in Boston". What's not to love?

We have bonded over some signifcant sports moments, and some significant music moments, and some significant drinking moments, and...ok, he's one of my best friends. Just last night we were recounting a story to friends.  Miss O: "...remember that time we were drinking all day and got involved in hilarious shenanigans?" JP:" Which time?" And he's a Scorpio, which takes the bonding to a whole other level. I told him, while watching the game, and after only one brewed beverage, that if he got into a brawl (hypothetically speaking), I would have his back. It's good to know who's got your back.

Speaking of brawl, JPaul and I used to play 'fightclub'. There was usually alcohol involved...I can't actually recall the times he hit me (as I mentioned, alcohol, and no, this is not an abusive relationship, it was a way of bonding-if you have to ask, you won't understand-plus it really impressed onlookers), but I can remember at least one time I punched him in the face. Lourdes, when I think of how I could have damaged that good-looking mug! Miss O, the hooligan!

The cufflinks in this photo are vintage sterling, engraved with an "O". They were a gift from me to me. These beauties were originally intended for a chic french sweetheart, known as boutons de manchette, but we parted ways before I gave them to him. I fretted over whether I should still give him the gift as 'a gesture'. I had had them engraved with his initials, we had a history of cufflinks together and had exchanged many romantic and sentimental gifts, blah blah blah, and decided...nope. For a small fortune, I had them re-engraved, and now I wear them with great happiness and fond memories. What have you done for you lately?

At press time, the Sox have just swept the Angels and are heading to the ALCS. Now if only those pin-striped evildoers could be dispatched with, posthaste... all would be right in the world, or at least on Planet Miss O.

Two important b-day shoutouts: to one of my fave Sox fans, Princess T and one of my fave frenchies, Mommy Isa. 

Allez les Sox!

Posted by Miss O at 12:01 AM EDT

Updated: Sunday, 7 October 2007 11:52 PM EDT

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Mood:  celebratory

Darlings, I have been having some extraordinary dreams lately. There must be some cosmic energy afoot...or a tremor in the Force. I often have vivid dreams and can remember them if I come out of my 'sleep zone' calmly (i.e. not jolted awake by the alarm). I keep a journal near my bed to jot things down, and I'm trying to make an effort to capture those fleeting thoughts as the conscious mind takes over. Who knows what the subconscious will reveal?

Miss O is actually quite psychic. I've known this for a long time, and am trying to tap into it more. I took an evaluation that determined I am strongest in precognition, retrocognition, and telepathy. No, I can't read a crystal ball and the ouija board scares me, but I do have a "vibe" about things and people - perhaps it's just that my antennae are highly tuned to the Universe. I have always joked that I 'speak dog', but it has become clear to me that I have extra-sensory communication with many animals. No, you don't have to book me a suite at the nuthouse. If you've ever seen me with a canine, you know what I mean. My feline sense must be in tune as well, because last week I slept at a friend's house and his new cat was talking to me all night.  This creature stood on my shoulder and put its snout in my ear and was speaking.  Not meowing, not purring, but speaking.

Anyway, in this morning's dream I was with Jamie and we were meeting the Queen of England. I was coaching Jame on the correct manner in which to bow in front of royalty, and was adjusting my own skirt for maximum curtsy potential. (Yes, these are scenarios that concern Miss O, even in dreamland). The soundtrack to this action was Prince, Raspberry Beret. Hmmm. Interesting. Paging Dr. Freud!

Ok, Darlings, off to bed. I'll see you in my dreams... 

Posted by Miss O at 11:02 PM EDT

Updated: Friday, 19 October 2007 1:13 AM EDT

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